welcome back to this three part series on moving to a foreign country. last week, i wrote about the basics: setting up a bank account, a new cell phone, applying for a tax number and grocery shopping. next week, we’ll talk about looking for jobs. but today it’s all about making friends.
we make our first friends in life through school, maybe church. sometimes even earlier: cousins and siblings make great first friends. then, when you’re a teenager and playing sports or working at your first job, your social circle expands. you meet people from other schools, they in turn introduce you to their friends. going off to college is easy – you already have friends and maybe they are going to the same school as you. if not, you get orientation, freshers weeks and classes in which to meet people. you have roommates and dormmates. maybe a sorority/fraternity. again, your social circle expands as you go through.
you arrive, tired and sore from a long day+ of travel, and you’re in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar customs. everything seems larger than it is just then. i think i mentioned this last week: sounds are just a bit louder, colours a bit brighter, and people, well, it took me a few days to really dive in.
it’s easier now that the internet gives you immediate options for meeting people. public fora like facebook groups, meet up groups, couchsurfing groups… these are all good places to look for like minded people. the other avenue i pursued was tinder. someday i’ll write about my experience, but all i’ll say now it: it was a good one. it is a good one. through it, i met heaps of interesting guys.
the biggest thing i can say is to get involved. weirdly, it’s the same advice i got when i was trying to meet people back in kansas city in 2009, after six years away. i love my hometown, but it was not easy at all. kc is – was? – very cliquey. my experience there was that, having left for an extended period of time, i knew no one. even people i had gone to high school with were strangers. that left me trying to make friends at a job that i didn’t particularly like. and unfortunately, the truth was that i was too outspoken about my adventures in other places, too cocky, too sure of myself, too weird, that i didn’t last very long in any group of people to which i was invited. maybe i tried too hard, maybe i didn’t try hard enough. when i met my now-ex, his friends became mine and all of a sudden i had a social circle. of course, that shattered when we split, so back to square one. it’s a big reason why i travel: i am not leaving anything behind.
wellington is not like that. my social circle – thanks to facebook backpacker groups, my lovely girls gone international, and tinder – is growing. since i got involved with my own social life, not a day has gone by where i don’t have plans with someone.
that’s huge, putting yourself out there. it can be overwhelming and super nerve-wracking. trust me, i know. but unless you’re staying at a hostel and hitting the bar scene every night, you will not make friends easily. initiating the conversation might be hard at first, but if they’re into hanging out, it won’t lag.
meet up groups are another great way to meet like-minded people. meet up.com is worldwide, and you can find a group for pretty much anything: you want to drink wine while doing yoga? talk about books while hiking? there’s a group for that. the perk of meet ups is that you’re already going into a place where you know you have something in common with these people. meeting people is a hell of a lot easier when you can ask them what they liked about a certain book without getting a really odd look (what? i like to read.)
i first learned of meet up groups through my friend j, the english guy who moved to luzern. i asked him about his thoughts and this is what he said:
“i cannot speak highly enough about meetup. all of the good friends i met in switzerland i met through the luzern meetup group. i joined in 2012 when there were only 100 members, but by 2015 the group had grown to over 1000. It was so much fun.” (also, you can watch this amazing video of j and the luzern meet up group. do it.)
what else can i say? the girls group i am involved with has been amazing. we do cocktails once a month, but many of us have made plans outside of the group for dinner, hikes, or sightseeing. tinder is … amazing … because through it i’ve met guys and gone for drinks or dinner with them. it’s fun to explore the nightlife of wellington with someone who knows where to go and what to do.
pretty much the biggest point of this post is that sitting back and letting people come to you is not the way you’re going to make friends in a foreign place. it is scary, it is overwhelming, but if you can get out of your comfort zone and say hi to someone, you might find that you’re making a lifelong friend.
you might also like:
the real deal on moving to another country: the basics
to all of my traveling friends
what makes a good travel buddy?