it’s almost the end of the year… really we only have 3 more days until new years eve, the time when so many of us make resolutions. to be a better person, to stop smoking, to stop drinking, to give up soda, to lose weight… the list can go on and on and on.
as many of you know, i recently made some big changes in my life. i quit my jobs in kansas city and took a job on a small cruise ship. i spend my days doing pretty much the same thing i did in kansas city – bend to the extreme wishes and petty thoughts of picky and selfish people aka food service – but i get to do it on a boat in mexico. i get to spend my afternoons in the sun – kayaking, hiking, snorkeling… whatever i wish. i left behind a partner, two dogs, a house and the majority of my possessions.
the other day, i picked up the book “wild,” by cheryl strayed. my friend m was reading it here on the boat, and i was intrigued. i finished it in two days. it tells the story of a young woman my age, cheryl, who leaves her husband after her mom dies and decides to hike the pacific crest trail from california to oregon. it takes her several months, but it strengthens her, both body and soul. i don’t want to give too much away, but it really spoke to me.
before i left to come down here, i asked g for a break. my reasons were simple: i have no idea who i am, and what i’m doing with my life. i wanted to spend these few months figuring myself out, finding myself. i thought once upon a time that i did know who i was. it was in greece, and back in 2008, i wrote a blog post about it.
i was staying in my aunt’s apartment on spetses for a few days, taking a mini break from grad school – although i had so many of my books and papers with me. it was evening, maybe 10ish, and i left my work inside, wrapped myself in a blanket, turned off all of the lights and went onto the patio. i climbed up onto the stone wall and lay down to stare at the stars. it was march, and this being an island, many people were not there, so there were hardly any lights competing with the stars. i contemplated my life as it was: i was 23, living in glasgow, scotland, finishing a masters degree in something i was interested in, and i was looking at jobs in places like athens, london and edinburgh. i thought i’d spend my life traveling, studying ancient greece and writing about it. i was sure that i would soon apply to another graduate school for architecture and historic preservation, slowly making myself an expert in the field of ancient urban planning. i had supportive parents, great friends, and a cute flat in the best part of town. i’d gone to a great undergraduate uni, made some lifelong friends there, and was eager to make my mark on the world. within a year, i would be back in kansas city, working a minimum wage job and living with my parents. but i didn’t know that then. i only knew that i was flying high. i loved my life, and i loved where i lived, and i loved being independent and free.
as i lay watching the stars, i also saw planes. and in those planes, people. i spent a long time thinking about those people – where they were going, what they were doing when they got there… they interested me, the planes that fly over the greek islands. where do they go? but i mostly reflected on my life. and that brought me to the question: where am i going? my answer to myself, that night back in 2008, was: i don’t know, and i don’t care. i wanted to stop making plans, live in the moment and be carefree and floaty. i am but a speck in the millions of specks that make up our planet.
i think back to that night often, especially now. within 2 years, i would be on antidepressants, crying myself to sleep 6 nights a week, clinging, mostly metaphorically, sometimes literally, to g and generally being pathetic. i would be frantically cleaning the kitchen and bathroom to stop myself from throwing something, crying while i did it. it wasn’t therapeutic… it was miserable. g threatened to go to my dad, but he never did, and i eventually found a therapist at his urging.
all of this brings me to this moment in my life. 4 years after i thought i knew who i was and what i wanted from my life, i still don’t have any damn clue. and that was why i asked for a break. i needed this time, this allowance, for reflection. to reflect on me – to get to know myself. sometimes, i don’t know me. i like to think that i do, but then i go and do something and i think – that’s not me at all. it’s a funny feeling.
but what i have discovered about myself doesn’t surprise me. i love to travel. i am my happiest and my most energetic when i am traveling. or, not necessarily traveling, but in a new place, with new things to discover and new people to meet. it’s one reason i know for certainty that i can’t be in kc much longer. i long for adventure, for the unknown. and i LOVE to learn. what i can do with this knowledge is still a mystery, but it’s my mystery.. or, for some word play: my story.
bring it on 2013 – you might just be my best year yet.